What does it take? Another blogger wrote about coming out to his family about his agnosticism. It was then that I realized some of my current (major) anxiety stems from the fact that many of my family members do not know “how far I have strayed.” They only think I go to the wrong Christian church. Also, Christians can worship at UU churches. But if I say I’m not a Christian, I realize that they may forever turn their backs on me and for sure disown me. I could just say I am seeking (this is true).
I admit I am floundering. I have been freed from so many hurtful beliefs, but I don’t feel free. I still don’t feel free to be me. I don’t know who “me” is. I force myself to do things these days, or I just don’t do anything. I’m not sure I’ll even have regrets…. that’s a lie. I will, but what will they be? Today, I don’t know and I try not to care. I’m wracked with guilt and self-hate. I was getting better and something put me over the edge.
Fundamentalism has fundamentally stunted my life and spirit. It peaks out now and again and then goes into hiding. This journey has been a very very long one and maybe I’m at another major juncture in this journey, another milestone up ahead? But I fear the pain and agony. I also fear joy.
ILeftTheFold was an old blog I barely got started and then abandoned.
RTS=Religious Trauma Syndrome