Or maybe it is not depression
Is it boredom?
Or is it low self esteem?
Am I too worried about what people will think?
i.e. “She is dark all the time,” “don’t talk politics,” “why can’t she be happy?” “Smile already!” “I know that’s hard, BUT……” “Don’t constantly talk about the past, the past is the past.” “especially don’t talk about anti-racism.”
I have heard these statements applied to other people and to me. These statements are triggers. And I never know when one will stick and send me downward. I really try not to go “down,” but if I am, I need to express it to get out of it.
I came to WordPress to just write what I wanted to without a care about what others thought. And now I have disappointed myself. I realize I want people to like me and agree with me.
When people do not agree with me, I feel rejected. This is mental illness. I have made lots of progress, but today I felt like I needed to write this. I haven’t been writing because my thoughts have been unpalatable for many, or so my head tells me.
I am NOT looking for “atta girls” I’m just talking.
If you feel like you need to comment, please be aware of how you comment (I fail here too.) Things like “have you tried” “you should” “but you have a beautiful life” “depression is a sign of spiritual depravation.” “do you know what caused this?”
If you made it this far, thank you for listening while I vent.